Yeah
My stomach kind of hurts and maybe it was a sign of frustrations left to come. I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED. roar. A pathetic and truly horrible "roar."

But that's not so much the point. So much the point is that I really miss my DJ. I'm all hanging out on myspace and whateverthefuck, but this is really my dark little corner. This is home. This has existed longer than Oregon (not literally, just in relation to me), and for that it is the winner.

That and this is so much more fucking private. Random people I've never met are less likely to wander through here and if they are, they aren't going to associate anything they read with a portrait of a girl I thought I could be (or was, or really am). (That sentence made little sense, but I know what I mean and that's all that ever matters in my DJ).

I don't know what's going on.
I think I should ban the words "I don't know" from my vocabulary. I use it like "um." It's my space filler--or it lets me shove off the responsibility of finding real words to express sentiment.
Either way it's not good.

But I don't know :op
I was so fucking high this afternoon. I think it's the sun. Too much sun and I get crazy manic. Unfortunately no one can really stand the manic me--well some people can, but they're rarely around when it happens... And so now I have to deal with the pent up energy that's not being expended all by myself. All by myself for the rest of the night. All by myself for the rest of the night when I'm not going to want to go to bed ever but I'm really going to have to because I have an 8 hour work day tomorrow (yay for working both my jobs).

Oh.
That's what I was going to write about. My fucking temper.
I get mad real easy. That's not entirely true. I get pissed real easy. I get bitchy real easy when the conditions are right--which is basically any time that I'm super happy (super sad doesn't really give a shit one way or the other). I suck at disappointment (which is why I'm generally content with depression--nowhere to go but up). But disappointment when I'm happy goes straight to the red--I get pissed. And honestly, when I'm pissed, I'm not someone I would want to be around. I get resentful and angry and vengeful. I'm not a happy person.
But I know it's all reactionary and not entirely real so the past two days I've been trying to swallow the shit.
It's not easy.
I've got a temper.
It's not easy to ignore it.

But I'll make the effort anyway.
Acid indigestion may be the ultimate result.
I guess they make pills for that.


What I really need to do is start exercising again. I get way more mellow. It's really what I should do tonight (no, what I should do is clean the kitchen, but like I said--I get pissy and angry and vengeful. there's no way that'll happen).


On the upside-I'm getting a hell of a lot more comfortable with my body. I'm not sure why that's happening--maybe part of getting older whothefuckknows--but it's happening. Sure I wish I were a little skinner, and sure not that long ago I was about ten pounds less on the bathroom scale, but really... I'm not the monster I've always made myself out to be. So I guess there's finally a difference for be in being satisfied and being comfortable. I never used to realize that you could be comfortable without being satisfied.
I'm not sure that paragraph was worth the energy it took to type it. Years from now I'll probably be glad I did, though. Here's to you, kid.


Really
Honest
Confession
3
2
1
I just want to feel like a body right now. I want physicality and sweat and a big feeling of physical exhaustion and that all important word in my world-Touch. I need to be grounded because I've been too high all afternoon.


I have to make a list of books I'm going to read when I'm done with school. It'll be long but then I can check them off and feel good about reading for reading's sake.

Semi
Unimportant
Confession
3
2
1
I handed in three papers today that by my standards were really hardcore mediocre and it only scares me a tiny bit (and it only scares me because I love my teachers and want to impress them as some sort of thank you for teaching me so much).

Oh.
And I'm graduating Summa Cum Laude. Which is really rather impressive, and even impresses me a little, but is not my way of saying "You should love me because I'm so fucking smart." It's just the culmination of not having a life for the past four years. An idiot could get summa if they dedicated as much time to school as I do. It's sick. It's good I'm getting out.

Really I think leaving college is going to be the healthiest thing I've done in a long time. It'll be sad to not have my mind constantly fucked by amazing people. But think about all the crazy things I can explore by myself... That almost makes it worth it.
And I realized that I can still attend public lectures when I really want to stretch it out again.


My stomach is killing me.

I miss my dog.


I really miss my dog. I can't believe it's been ... Eight months.
I miss my dog. Honestly not sure how I'm ever going to stop.

But that's an entry I'm never going to make.
Nothing to go into when I'm so full of frustration..
It leads to a bad place.

My stomach is killing me.
And I really missed my DJ.

Gimme a minute and I'll post again.
Something juicy and creative.
Something I won't have to think twice about posting because this is home, and everyone on my friends' list has already read my most embarrassing creative endeavors. ;o)