What you gonna do with your life?
My stomach is not entirely happy. Too much soup. That and I'm detoxing from last week when everything was bad for me or covered in cheese. :( So comforting. So bad for me.

Anyway. I don't really have anything to record right now. Cept that I'm proud of myself for finally taking my car to Oil Can Henry's and taking care of my car. It's still big with turning on the "Check Engine" light, but I think it's just tired. At least he's full now... full and sleepy.

I think I'm going to go to Walmart shortly. John wants cigarettes and I want the trip. Today was goodish. Got a lot of homework done, made soup, did some marginal cleaning. I've realized that the key to being happy is sometimes as simple as opening the blinds and doing my homework in natural light instead of the shadowy flourescent leaking in from the kitchen. Real light always helps. Especially when there's so much left that I don't want to do...

I should really write about life. About getting married. About being in love. About writing. About school. About anything that means something even if it's only a temporary memory of how it was those few minutes that I opened the deadjournal window...

I am in love, but not getting married. And I feel guilty because I've brought it up an ungodly amount in the last two weeks. I know... I dunno... I'm just getting old and it's hard to remember that most of the time because I'm largely surrounded by little people, by people who aren't really ever going to grow up, people who are students first--and being a student stunts your growth. I can't wait to be done but I don't know what happens after that--more school? find a job? jump off another cliff? I'm in the mood for the cliff right now--desiring some sort of excitement, some adventure. It feels like so long since I've gone exploring with John. I think that's why I loved this summer so much--for awhile we went exploring every weekend. I need the travel. I need the riding in a car for a few hours. I need the new visual stimuli. I need the curiousity and the stepping out of my comfort zone in a manner that is all comfort. I miss the movies, but I think my favorite John entertainment is the travelling, the hiking, the exploring anything. I've been craving new streets and I keep thinking that one afternoon I'm just going to get in my car and go all the opposite ways that I normally drive. Find out what happens if I turn left instead of going straight. This place is home, whether I like it or not, and the chances of me getting lost with no way back are pretty impossible at this point.

But the home thing is another topic. Inspired by natural light. This apartment is home, I realized that the other week when I realized that I never think about driving in the parking lot, walking up to the door, unlocking, closing. All of the "coming home" is as natural as it was when I used to drive home from John's at 10pm and not remember any of the drive until I was standing in the living room. Habit makes a home sometimes.
And inside it's not so bad either. Lately I've been realizing how "nice" our apartment really is. It is. I always bitch about how much we (John) pay for rent, but the place is pretty posh compared to the other apartments I've visited in Eugene. And until today/yesterday I kind of hated that. I don't like nice so much as I like warm and lived in. But we've lived here for almost four or five years now... It IS lived in. And part of this nearing excursion to Walmart is an attempt to make it more home and less temporary (the temporary feeling results in piles of boxes and stuff just sitting around, waiting for a home in a place that IS home).
But we do need a new livingroom clock (which makes me sadder than sad because the now dead one is my favorite clock ever... all the way from Bloomsburg. It needs a home in a kitchen above a doorway. Maybe it'll revive itself in time... Or I'll find a cure for the old-clock-curse.)

Meh. It feels good to have taken care of my car. Even if I did spend money that I don't have. I'll get paid next week and hopefully a lot of this stress about money running out too fast will feel a little less like an anxiety attack.

Classes are starting fine. I already know which class is my favorite to sit through, I know which class is my favorite to read for and think about, and I know which class is bareable and capable of surprising me once the term really gets going.

It was good to have today off. Especially after crap week.

I've decided to enter the quiet phase--a hard decision to uphold since I'm not at the natural entrance to that phase. But I'm saying too much of nothing lately. It's time to channel my inner Silent Bob--to make my words count.

Now I'm tempted to ramble about John. It's the comfort theme... It's just weird how much relationships change over time. And at the same time it's weird how at the core they're still the same. It's strange to have an Aries-Aries relationship--they're always doomed to fail. And here we are almost 8 years later. There's just so much comfort and danger... The polarity... The dichotomy of man is really the dichotomy of my romantic relationship. But there's some comfort in that. I know we're good right now. I also know that before the end of the term we'll probably have a knock-down-drag-out (although it has been quite a while since the last one). Cycles. Everything in my life is a big circle and whenever I think I'm growing up I say something about getting to know how the wind up works... And then they shift half a degree and I'm all stirred up again. Another transformation in the same vein. No wonder I always have dejavu.

There was lots of snow last weekend. It was nice. Nice because I needed the comfort. The biting cold. The feeling of home in a place that always falls short in that arena. It's probably why daylight is so easily fixing me right now. Nature helped me out during crap week. Made it all a little easier--so right now she's one of the few allies.

But I should probably get going to Walmart sooner rather than later.

Just know that I love you all (even the ones who haven't written in years) and I think of you all a lot more often than you'd probably suspect.
And know that I'm surviving. Because as good as I am at falling and freaking out, the one skill I have is my unfailing ability to survive whether I want to or not.

Take care.