Let's DJ it up.
Somedays I feel old in bad ways. Right now I'm feeling old in that somewhat pleasant buzz of nostalgia way. Where I can listen to 1979 and think fondly on nights at the Hearth but not lament my inability to go back. Because I like my short hair and my grown up boyfriend and my own yellow couch in my own Oregon apartment.
Sometimes I don't need to go back.

I dunno what's been going on lately. A whole lot of nothing with a big undercurrent of everything. Trying to grow up is hard when you're such a kid inside. Remembering you're a grown woman when you still dress like a little boy and occassionally swear more than the average sailor. Not so easy, but I think it would be good for me. Have to keep reminding myself, because as scary as it is, it's also incredibly powerful. It's a good deal of boosting me to equal status instead of the constant lesser I feel. And if I could remember that I'm equal I could be a lot less nervous about what people think of me... Because if I'm equal, it doesn't really fucking matter, now does it. ;o)

But that's not really why I'm on here. (Honestly, why I'm on here is because I just reloaded my mp3 player and I want to listen to it for awhile before I pass out which will remain somewhat impossible for awhile because of how hard I crashed this afternoon.)

I'm so tempted to go read my initial LJ entries. I mean the first ones. Pause while I investigate. Well initial amusement. The first one is subject: "Viddy well little brother, viddy well." Maybe I'll screw writing and go read Clockwork. It's been awhile.

But. Seriously. You must read the whole day. The First Journal Entries Ever.
It's really kind of creepy and kind of reassuring. There are a lot of differences and so many fucking similarities. Always with the missing who I really am. Which is reassuring because maybe I've always just been wiggling around looking for it. Creepy because what if I never really was it. Reassuring because I didn't realize I'd known the wiggling toes back then. Creepy because I keep "(smirk)"ing. I dunno. It's just weird. And full of crappy ellipsis-laden poetry. But all of my LJ is like that. DJ missed a lot of the ellipsis writing. LJ was hit hard.

Revelation from the next day (which reads much more interesting):
"is a wish from the heart or the mind?
(and which part of me is more diseased and dillusional)"
I dig on that pair of lines. It's good to have the safety of time to give the illusion of greater perspective. To evaluate past confessions based on the poetry of the words. And I think that's why I write at all. Because six months from now I'll look back on all the entries (who are we kidding, there aren't many on here anymore) and not remember how lost and confused and sick I was but think, "That sounds so fucking sexy when I say it in my head."

But. Right now. When I'm in the warm (despite the overwhelming cool) place of mid-twenties content, when I'm secure in my love, when I'm almost happy with my body, when I'm enjoying good music... It seems to provide me with this weird ass-backwards reassurance. That I've not really been getting crazier (which is always my fear). That I may be somewhat screwed up mentally/emotionally but that I'm not really spiralling downward.
The story should have a better moral but that's all I can muster for now. And right now it's enough because I'm in the good place and I don't need all that much to be happy.

This content, I think, has just as much to do with the napping with John as it does with the good music in my ears. Vielleicht more. I'm kind of simple that way.

".... it's somewhat infuriating to not know what other people think.. and to never really be able to know....
-i'm being whiny now, i'm sorry-
(but don't you ever wonder what people think when you're walking away from them?)"

I'm so the same creature I always have been.
It is amusingly cute when I'm stable :op

"i love talking to john, but we've talked about so much in five years, and even when there's something new to talk about, we tend to agree with each other A LOT..."
and some things are so different. haha.

But. I'm going to quit (although probably not) which means we've got to end this crap entry somehow and what better way than with classic Casey wisdom?

love bites and stings sweetly for days [22 Jul 2001|05:10pm]
[ mood | content ]

sometimes it's the days that you wish would go away forever, that turn into the days you wish would never end (smile)
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Und das ist alles.
Loveandallthatrot.